One Fish Two Fish

Crazy how thoughts just hit you at the most random times ever. I’m scrolling through Facebook  (because I’m up at the crack of dawn with nothing to do on my off day) and see a wonderful Lady selling a box of used children’s books. Now I know, I know, this definitely doesn’t sound inspiring give me a second to explain lol.

First thing I thought of was…
“One fish
Two fish
Red fish
Blue fish”

How challenging was that for you to read?! Piece of cake huh?! Pat yourself on the back I’m proud of you *claps with enthusiasm* When we first started reading those words were a struggle. We sounded things out, practiced sight words and used pictures to help connect the dots between how words ultimately represented objects.  Now we are in beast mode (shout out to Marshawn) and don’t even stop to think about the struggle in the beginning.

I say that to say…it’s ok to mess up. We all have to start somewhere. We are wired to use trial and error to learn. Forgiveness of yourself is a key factor in the learning process. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t down talk yourself. Life comes at us fast and I know we are all doing our best to keep up. Sound out the moments you don’t understand. Take time to disect them. Figure out their origin and commit to a pronounciation. If all else fails and you still can’t figure out the moment Google it lol!  We all are one different reading levels in life. Whether you are reading Green Eggs and Ham or Dante’s Inferno. Just know we ALL started with phonetics and the struggle will get easier. I promise 🙂

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“Yall ain’t real…that’s y’all Achilles Heel · Same routine when you see me, you know the drill” Jay Z

So I’m laying here not able to sleep(as usual) and those lyrics just popped in my head. The lyrics made me think about what my vurnerabilty is. Made me question what scares/scared me the most and I thought back to my last major surgery. I remember jumping any time anyone came near my scar. I’d brace for impact or throw my hand up to protect it. It even got to the point where I would still stagger step up and down the steps because I was still afraid of hurting the wound. Crazy part is it was healed. I didn’t trust the process and I was so used to protecting my “Achilles Heel” I didn’t even realize I was ok. One day I woke up and had to just trust my new joint, trust that this foreign object was mine forever and once I did that a whole new world opened up.

Trust is a crazy thing for us as humans. Being exposed is the biggest part of trust. I had to trust my hip up the stairs yet risk falling flat on my face lol!! My right hip is much stronger bc of the trust now. I’ve been cycling and doing weight exercises preparing for my new journey. I have been down this road before so you would think the whole trust thing would be easy right!? Noooope ha! I’m excited to get my life back to some form of normalcy but this next hip replacement is still a nerve shaking experience.

I think it’s just embedded in us to not trust from many fouled up experiences but that is when you have to drive the gloom out with light. Just so you know I’m getting a new hip and I’m happy about it. I’ll have TWO new joints 😊 lucky me lol!

Don’t know if this post was about my overall trust issues or the fact that I’m getting a new hip, either way it feels good to get my thoughts out once again. My Achilles heel is my hip and I’m completely ok with that. I protect and keep pushing. Guard your soft spots the best way you know how and keep it moving…trust isn’t built over night but it does come. Give it time, trust the process 🙂🙂🙂

Tornado season

Tornado season always makes me nervous. We do what we can to prepare especially if it is supposed to be a big one. The news starts days before (making the nervousness worse) the grocery store shelves are CLEARED OUT, people buy batteries and make sure their weather radios work. Then you wait…wait to see how bad things will be and where the most damage will be done. It’s just part of the cycle because we never know. No matter how hard you try to prepare you just never know.

So as of lately I feel like I’m under a tornado warning. Well the first storm has passed and the second bunch of storms are on their way. I did everything I could imagine to prepare myself for that hip replacement (the first storm) and yet in still I felt completely and utterly out of control. The storm hit and I’m still here. Yes things were shook up and there are minor damages. However, it’s nothing that can’t and won’t be fixed. How often to we see a crisis and are sooooo worked up and within a week its completely gone from our stream of consciousness (don’t worry I’m guilty of it too). Out of everything I’ve been through I think this “fixing” period is the hardest. I’m not stable enough to work but I am stable enough to run to a restaurant to eat. A lot of times the fact that you’re moving throws people off. Yes I’m moving but I’m still healing, physically and mentally. I may have this goofy smile plastered on my face but it doesn’t mean I’m not in pain. I’m a master of deception lol! I work retail remember ha! Life seems semi normal again. I can put a sock on with out squirming on the carpet. Heck, I can even bend over and tie my shoe but I know it is short lived. All the triumph is like the peace in between storms. I know it has to get worse before the entire ordeal has passed. I have been trying to mentally prepare myself but honestly I know I can’t. It just has to happen. Then we pick up the pieces and keep moving. So for those wondering I’m currently sitting on the porch surveying the damage and getting ready for the next round. Still don’t have a date for the second hip replacement but it’ll be here before I know it.

Thank you everyone for your support and kind words. You’re kind of like my flashlights when the power flickered or the pillows and blankets we use for protection in our “storm shelters”. You all bring light to my world when there is a looming threat of darkness yet you make me feel warm and safe. Words can’t express how much each kind word and action means to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart 🙂

Unpost post

Sooooo for almost a week I’ve been racking my brain. I usually have these epiphanies and the posts just seem to happen but not as of late.

I sat thinking about things I love. Hoping it would trigger something and it did. Cake…yes yummmmm. More specifically birthday cake and then I scaned my brain for who was having a bday lol. This didn’t last long before I decided I deserve cake just because I’m me. Heck I can always have unbirthday cake like Alice in Wonderland.

After the cake thoughts finally subsided and I fought the urge to drive and get cake I realized that I was going to have an “unpost post”. Just to update y’all on the awesomeness. It’s amazing how you don’t realize how much you use things until the option isn’t necessarily there.

As you know my crutches and I have a love/hate relationship. I’m finally building myself up to break ties! Lol! I’m able to get around with one crutch now, which is funny because I keep misplacing the other one throughout my apartment. Oh, and get this, I tied my shoe today! *fist pump* Ha! Big deal because I could barely put a darn sock on three weeks ago. Socks are tricky buggers…I’m still working on them 🙂 just know the carpet friction is my saving grace. I’m in a good place. I’m healing and I am happy. I am loved by my support system (my AWESOME AWESOME family and friends) Thank you all for every kind word. If I could hug you all I would!

In one week and I go back for my follow up. Excited and nervous as always.  I’ll keep y’all posted, whether its an unpost or a real one lol

Just like a pill…

So we all take meds…well most of us. If not a simple vitamin or a pill that is used to keep health issues at bay, we all take medicine. It’s crazy how the pills we take to make us better help BUT you almost always ALWAYS run the “side effect” risk.

I always think of people like medicine. They always have side effects. Most mild, like a headache or a bit of turmoil in your belly but it passes fairly quickly. However, sometimes you end up with the bad side effects such a horrible rash, the chills, vomit and more than likely a high temperature.

Ok  so flashback to the 20th… Friday came and I was super excited about being able to leave room 427 and get back to my little bit of normalcy. I left the hospital filled with promise and ready to kick ass ( at least thats what i kept saying in my mind) but apparently I am  allergic to oxycodon and was suuuuper sick! For two days I couldn’t eat and things that belonged in my stomach decided that they wanted to visit the real world. The world outside of my digestive system. As I lay there sweaty and weak I promise I felt like things would never get better. Welp, Monday came and my life came back to me. That “I’m dying” feeling subsided and I was able to appreciate food. Something other than saltines lol.

So once my face regained color and I didn’t feel like my world was in shambles I thought back to the warning signs. I itched a little in the hospital but they gave me a benadryl and I didn’t think anything about it. I should have fought and not just let it ride. Most times in life that’s how we end up sick and sad. We don’t fight we just let it ride. I’m so sick of being on cruise control. With all that has transpired I feel like I have a new lease on life. With that being said I’m putting the pedal to the medal. If things seem different it is probably because they are. I plan on being happy. Point. Blank. Period. So either get with it or get lost :p

The entire time I typed this I had P!nk’s Just Like a Pill playing in my head…lol if you haven’t heard it maybe today is the day

I’m getting better and am genuinely happy about it. I refuse to let anyone mess that up. 💋

Small update :) hi y’all!!

So it has been too long y’all!! I started this blog with intentions of keeping you posted during the process. Can I tell y’all it was much harder than I anticipated. More mentally than physically. I struggled with putting how I felt into words, honestly I still feel some uncertainty but such is life right?!

Today I my staples were removed. 14 staples to be exact. I’ve been on lock down (bed wise) since the 16th so today felt like I was on a mini vacation lol!! Not sure if you all watch Orange is the New Black buuuuuut remember when Piper was on the bridge with her burger during her furlough?!? Yeaaaaap that was me today except my meal of choice was chipotle honey wings from Hooters lol!! Amazing how the smallest things mean soooooo much when your abilities are compromised.

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Today was a good day! I think my Doctor was just as amped as I was for me to be moving around. His energy about my progress definitely made all my doubts of whether I'm recovering at a speedy rate go away.

The metal seen from the outside is gone 🙂 all that is left is the new parts inside. The biology teacher in me was super excited to see my new hip via xray. Pretty darn cool what technology coupled with human hands can do now a days.

Y’all ^^^^ that’s my new hip!!!

So for those wondering…. I’m ok. It was/is hard. I had this vision on how it would go and how strong I was going to be and trust me it did NOT play out that way lol! I think this has forever changed me but I am ok with that. I’m becoming a better person, one hip at a time 🙂

Chatty Cathy…

I have worked in retail my entire life. I even worked retail during my short spell in the teaching field. I absolutely love how you meet new people everyday. The short stories, the simple jokes and all the chubby kids you encounter make my heart smile. I am a habitual story swapper lol! I live for the randonmess of other people. This goes for work and social encounters. I feel like I can chat with anyone. That’s what I do. I am chatty 🙂

So if you haven’t guessed it, this solitude from my aliment is driving me nuts!

So not much because I can’t talk to people but because the convo always starts with me.   As you know, I have a hard time sharing my story.  Reluctant even, but a strange thing has happened during these past few encounters. Once I finish sharing my story, people are compelled to tell a serious story in a like circumstance. Something that has turned their world upside down. Then our chatter goes from chatter to seeming like there’s a purpose for it all. I think this has made the sharing situation so much more enjoyable. I don’t mind sharing if it helps someone in the long run. I have heard sooooo many touching stories. A lady came to tears sharing with me in the middle of the grocery store and all I could do was hug her. So many people live with invisible illnesses and they do so gracefully. Ive been longing to  ease into my grace but lately I think I may have actually just tripped and fell into it. Its here and I have no clue when it actually showed up.  Nevertheless I’m happy its here.

Just wanted to update you all on my “sharing issues” this was a good week.

My surgery is in six days….6 days! As long as everything goes accordingly I’ll have a new hip by this time next week. Whew! are y’all ready? It still seems unreal, the date gave it some substance but its still feels unreal…Ready or not its happening.

Invisible… Not so much anymore

I have been on these darn crutches for almost two months. Whenever I go anywhere and I mean ANYWHERE people ask “what happened?” and I swear it bothers me sooooo much. Recently my bff, Taren, and I went to Applebee’s and I vocally stated how much I can’t stand talking to strangers about my aliment (for lack of a better word). She seemed completely taken with the fact that I was so worked up. It made me wonder if I had a real reason for the sudden urge to pop the lady with my crutch or if  was just being dramatic because it can certainly happen.

Today it finally dawned on me. Dawned on me like the cheesy scenes you see in movies…Like the kind of montage Cher had from clueless when she relized she was in love with Josh lol

Smh…I digress! Haha!

I can’t deal with the look they give you. The look like you’re dying or something. I never paid it any mind until I got the same look simultaneously from a group of sales associates in Walmart. THREE! Three people gave me the “you’re dying” look. So I did anything a respectable 31 year old would do. I cracked a joke to break of the looming threat of death in the air.

I haaaaate the look of hopelessness in people’s eyes. I know its them feeling bad/sympathetic but it makes me feel like I’m weak. Like they don’t understand…Its temporary. Most people say that they will pray for me and others have gone as far as to hug it out. I am so grateful for the prayers and “love” but I still can’t shake the feeling I get with I get that “sad puppy” look.

I’ve made a commitment to make a conscious effort to not let it bother me anymore so I guess this is my undoing my uneasiness…

So back to these THREE associates in Walmart…as I joked, laughed and told my story unbegrudingly it made me feel better. Then I thought if I’m blogging about my story on the internet why can’t I talk freely to strangers about my story without getting upset?

I took a day or two to think about it all and I still couldn’t come up with an answer other than this is my free expression compared to being forced to talk. The look of utter disappointment when you don’t want to share is almost as bad as the “death stare”.

Days and days went by I thought about it hard. Heck I’ve been “sick” for years and this has never been an issue. Then I had an ah ha moment. It has always been an “invisible illness”. I’ve fought my battle with my close family and friends and pushed along. However now my body’s need to malfunction is on display for everyone to see. I can’t act like I’m ok when clearly the world can see I’m  unable to walk.  This area is uncharted. So I’m sorry if I get all weird on you. I’m an expert at “acting like I’m fine in public, even though I’m falling apart inside”. Not so good at “actually falling apart outside and holding it together inside”. So bear with me 🙂 Like i said previously I’m still working out how I’m supposed to feel about it all. So if I text you a link rather than the story don’t be upset. This is easier, I am not sure why but it is what it is 😘

My day one…

Some people and things seem as if they have been around forever, like that best friend who magically becomes your cousin or that ratty hoodie you just can’t seem to part with. Well my day one is giving up on me. My hip, the right one to be exact. I am 31 and am about to undergo a hip replacement. Crazy huh?! I’ve gotten so many questions/comments ranging from “sports injury?” to “you’re too young for that though, right?” (Cue Drakes line “I’m too young to be feeling this old” lol) Well all jokes aside I have AVN (a vascular necrosis) and in my case it is caused by usage of steroids. Still working out how I feel about it all buuut let’s see if I can paint (when I say paint I mean screen shoot Google images) a better picture of what’s really going on.

Ok so this is NOT my hip buuuuut that is where my problem lies. Right at the “ball and socket” the top part of the “ball” has collapsed because that part of the hip isn’t getting any blood flow. I’m all about visuals so I hope it helped lol. It took me a few trips to my orthopedic specialist to get my thoughts around it. Funny how doctors, a lot of them, think drawing pictures on the paper that lines the examination table will make you have an ah ha moment. Once he finally showed me the xrays and it became crystal clear 🙂

Everyday I think about the future and what it holds but more importantly I just want to walk without a limp. (fights the urge to insert Juvenile lyric about why he walks with a limp ha!) So while I’m trying to unlimp my walk you are welcome to join me. Not exactly sure where this will go but I feel like this is the best way to document it. Only time will tell. Guess we will see.

Oh and I have an auto immune disease just in case you were wondering why I’m on steroids.

so this is me opening up my journey to those who wish to be a part of it. I am definitely not a writer and may not be as eloquent with words as some are BUT this is my story.